Sleeping pattern is fecked. Think I know what choices I need to make though. Long road but I’ll take the many steps that are needed

Just typing so I type something…

Today I woke up at around half one having went to sleep after 3 a.m. Therein lies a problem that I’m hoping to fix. You don’t really miss anything if you go to bed early and get a normal night’s sleep but I seem convinced I will. In fact you ruin your day if you don’t get a regular sleep pattern going but this seems to escape the region of my mind that causes habits to form.

I then had to fight with myself over whether I should go to the gym or not. I’ve come up with a simple formula to fight the depression.

Get outside and exercise.

Meet someone and have a chat or a coffee

Blog or journal about how I’m feeling

Obviously I need to be sleeping and eating properly but hopefully this will go someway to helping me fix things – if that’s the right phrase.

It was a real struggle to get out and go to the gym. I knew I’d felt great after it but I still was surprised by it to a degree.

I’ll keep at things. Never know what might happen

So, so, so Irish

Definitely NSFW or around small children but such a wonderful video and capture of Irish culture you might not be familiar with:

Also some wonderful satire from Apres Match

Challenges

From poet Theo Dorgan to a graduating class from my alma mater:

You, the rising generation, face many challenges, but your strength of heart can create a better Ireland

YOU COME here today to be honoured, as you should be, for your considerable achievements. You come here today to be congratulated, as you should be, for the hard work, self-discipline and sheer good fortune that has brought you to this point in your lives.

Well I honour you, and I congratulate you, and I wish you continued good fortune in your lives, but it would not be right, it would lack respect, if I were to stand here today before you and utter polite, meaningless words.

A great deal of the country’s wealth has been invested in each and every one of you. Your parents have sacrificed much so that you can stand here today and allow them to feel hope for your futures, pride in your achievements. Your teachers have worked hard for you and with you because that is their task, their duty – to pass on to you the knowledge that is the foundation of our culture, our civilisation. And you yourselves have already begun to contribute your energies and your insights to our always emerging common good.

These, then, should be days of hope as we stand back to allow you, the rising generation, begin the great work of building on what has been given you. These should be days of hope when we say to you, go you and do better than we have done, dare more, imagine more, build stronger and deeper and better on the foundations we have laid.

This is as it should be, but our joy and our satisfaction, our pride in your achievements, is shadowed and undermined by the present circumstances.

These are dark days in our broken and battered Republic. Fear is everywhere, fear and bewilderment and uncomprehending rage. The ground is not solid beneath our feet, the way ahead is clouded and uncertain.

None of this is of your making, none of this is your fault, and, if you choose, none of this need be your future responsibility – for you can choose to walk away. Nobody here has the right to blame you if that should be your choice. We have one life and one life only; each man and woman must decide for themselves how and where to live that life.

What faces you, should you choose to stay, should you find yourselves unable or unwilling to leave, is not what anyone here today would have envisaged for you.

This world you are about to inherit is not the world your teachers and parents would have wished for you. Where we should have been building a nation, we surrendered our better selves to the pitiless business of getting and spending. Where we should have been taking thought, considering how to build an economy that would serve a vision of being fully human, we gave ourselves over to the fevered dreams of the prophets of greed. And now we stand in the ruins before a rising generation and we ask ourselves, what has been done here? More pertinently and painfully, what has been done to the children of the nation?

Today, many of you stand ready to play your part in the thankless work of rebuilding our society, our Republic. Many of you have already made plans to leave. Some of you hope to stay but fear you will be forced before long to leave.

How did it come to this? There is no easy answer, I will not insult you by suggesting there is an easy answer.

Ten years ago, this university did me the honour of inviting me to address its graduates and postgraduates on a similar occasion.

Among other things, I said these words:

“We live . . . in a problematic reality now, the variousness of what lives and dies only fitfully seen behind the lightning clouds of a consumer economy, the music of what happens drowned out by the roaring and screeching of an economy that has lost the run of itself. This Republic has invested time and money and human care in your formation, but somehow has lost itself along the way.”

I SHOULD HAVE listened more closely to myself. I should have paid more attention to what was happening all around me, I should have realised that, 10 years ago, we had already lost our Republic. In a republic, we value ourselves, and we value each other. In a republic, it is an honour to serve. In a republic, the highest good is the common good, but in truth we have handed you a fractured State where those who work for the common good have great hearts but little power, and those to whom we entrusted power have betrayed us shamelessly.

I was shaped in this college by women and men who encouraged us to read wisely and reflect well, by men and women who strove to teach us to consider things as they actually are before going on to imagine how things might be, could be, should be.

Well, this is how things actually are:

Our liberties have been trampled on by a professional political class that is as fearful as it is incompetent, perhaps fearful because it is incompetent. Our futures have been mortgaged into the fourth generation to save a corrupt banking system. Those whom we pay to serve us have made slaves of us and of our children and of our children’s children.

Many, many people refused this reductionist vision; in community development projects, in hundreds of voluntary organisations, in our own lives, many of us refused – but we were swept away.

It came to the point where, in a time when so many of our young people are taking their own lives, those of us who warned of the coming catastrophe, those of us who were struggling in all good faith to articulate a better way, were invited by the taoiseach of our country to “commit suicide”.

We need to reflect on these things calmly, dispassionately and, having reflected, we must decide among ourselves what is to be done. That task will bear heavily on the shoulders of your generation. That responsibility, if you are brave and generous enough to accept it, will fall to you.

I want to call to mind here something my friend and colleague, the writer Colm Tóibín, said recently: it is not the poets and the singers, the actors and film-makers, musicians, novelists and playwrights who have brought on the present disaster.

I would go further: it is not the teachers and nurses, the chemists and engineers and lawyers, the bus drivers, the factory workers, the shop assistants, the lecturers and security guards, the ambulance drivers and farmers who have brought on the present disaster.

It is not the thousands involved in afterschool training of young sportsmen and women, the tens of thousands who work in and with our charities, the lifeboat volunteers, those who visit the sick and the elderly, those who counsel the homeless, the grief-stricken and the addicted who have brought on the present disaster.

Under the carapace of the State as it imagines itself, there is still the nation, troubled, uncertain and beaten down, to be sure, but still struggling to build a civic society.

THERE IS AN Ireland we have been ceaselessly imagining and re-imagining for centuries. You can find elements of that Ireland in the thoughts and dreams of Redmond and Pearse, Wolfe Tone and Douglas Hyde. You can find it in the generous vision of James Connolly and the pragmatic vision of that greatest of civil servants, TK Whitaker. You can find it in the challenging presidencies of Mary Robinson and Mary McAleese, in the words and deeds of those who fought so trenchantly and fearlessly for the rights of women, the rights of so-called minorities, the rights of the dispossessed.

You can find it in all those who subsumed doubt and difference in the act of faith that is the Belfast Agreement. You can find it in the words of our poets and writers, the visions of our artists, the soul-building songs and music of both the dead and the living generations.

Many of us live fragments of that Ireland in our daily lives, much of that Ireland we have already brought into being – but we have failed to imagine clearly enough the civic and political structures that will nurture and grow and guarantee our visions of the good.

THAT IS OUR task now, that is the task you face – if you are prepared, as I hope in my heart you are prepared, to accept the responsibility.

But we live and die as individuals and your first responsibility is to yourself, to the life you have been mysteriously granted. For myself, I will honour whatever choice you make, I will wish you well if you stay or if you go.

If you must go, then go with a full heart and high expectations of the world. Do not go in defeat, with regret, in loneliness. We live in one world now, infinitely various, full of undiscovered joys and surprises. Savour your lives and remember you have a nation still, a home to return to. When you come back, bring us what you have learned in the wide world as thousands of immigrants are already enriching us with the learning they bring to our homes and to our streets. Send us your visions and thoughts constantly, it’s what the technology is for. You will be elsewhere, not orphaned or cast out. You can elect, I hope you will elect, to remain a part of the national conversation, a part of our evolution towards a better life for all.

And if you stay? I say, you have the same opportunities to learn and explore, to discover and innovate, to be surprised and joyful, to learn and to help teach us all what it is to be fully human.

WHAT WE MUST learn now, what we must practise with all our minds and hearts, is solidarity. Wherever we are, no matter how cast down, solidarity. No matter how grim the circumstances, how seemingly hopeless the situation, solidarity. At all times, among all peoples, solidarity. Solidarity, and hope.

As far back as the sixth century BC, the Greek poet Theognis of Megara said: “Hope is the one good god remaining.”

Hope is a profound act of imagination, the most important and the most neglected of the civic virtues. In the face of the present disaster we can lie down in despair, or we can choose hope – which means placing all our faith in each other and in the boundless capacity of the imagination to reinvent circumstance, to establish new truths.

We are no mean people, as Yeats said in another place, in another context. We have hearts and minds, we care for each other still, we have our dreams and in dreams, as the poet Delmore Schwartz once said, in dreams begin responsibilities. It falls to you, to your generation, to assume the responsibility of dreaming a new republic.

The nation is beaten down, but not defeated. A certain kind of Ireland is over and we are well rid of it. There is a new Ireland to be imagined and worked for, a new kind of Ireland to build and it is you who must build it. Everything I have seen of this rising generation persuades me of your strength of heart and it is heart we need now, the heart steadied and strengthened by the mind and by the power of imagination.

May your hearts continue strong, may your lives be long and fruitful, may your most generous and courageous visions come to pass.

Legacies

I can’t help but be struck by recent events about what’s appropriate behaviour and what isn’t. In my experience common sense isn’t all that common. So often on training courses they go through procedures and expected behaviour and the thought that immediately flits through my head is “They have to explicitly mention this! How stupid are some of these people?” And then of course you realise that the reason it’s explicitly stated is because so many people get it wrong so often. And that’s why there’s training courses on this stuff.

It doesn’t matter what age you are or gender. For me the link between maturity and age was shattered a long time ago. Probably when the first person told me I couldn’t do something because of what age I happened to be and then acted like a child in front of my class mates and me.

I guess what’s struck me recently is just how much crap I’ve had to deal with over the past twelve months or so. Sometimes when things go wrong in our lives it’s because of circumstances outside our control. The death of a loved one in a car accident. A sudden illness or loss of a job. And then there’s things that go wrong because someone didn’t do what they were supposed to do or acted exactly as they always have. And the crap in my life has been in the latter category. It’s amazing because it can become so frustrating.

It does get you down. I didn’t realise how much it got me down until recently. What’s brought it home more than anything is when someone from the outside looking in has said how people involved aren’t doing what they should be doing. That can boost my mood for days. It gives me hope. Yeah there is a pile of crap going on but I’m getting through it and still achieving. Maybe not as much as I’d like but other people recognize it.

In relationships and in life, rightly or wrongly, we are judged by other people. History is merely the opinion of those who are around long after we have gone. The question I always ask myself is a simple one. “Is the world better because I lived today? The Bible says we shall know ministers by their fruits. Leaders are judged on their results. The proof is in the pudding. I’m very young to be thinking about legacies but you never know what lies ahead of you. What’s your legacy?

There’s a myth that picturing where you want to be will help you get there. I will be successful and will reach my dream. For most of us that’s not the case. It’s much better to harness the power of regret. How bad will I feel if eat this junk food? How bad will I feel if I skip the gym and mess up my workout routine? If you have a spare moment consider what you’d like to be said at your eulogy or on your tombstone. It’s a great way of focusing the mind.

It’s when I think about the legacy left by other people. The ones causing so much stress to everyone around me that I feel a twinge of melancholy. What is their legacy?

On being content

Watch the video above. The guy became something of an Internet celebrity for obvious reasons but the thing that has struck me is just how happy he is. He’s doing something he loves and he obviously enjoys it.

In my life I’m involved in things I love; it’s just they all decided to go horribly wrong and be stressful all at the same time. No-one said that a quiet life didn’t have to be earned of course but this video got me thinking.

I’m in a career that I chose and that I love.

I’m in a job that I had a degree of choice in and I enjoy the challenge it offers.

In soccer I’m doing something I love despite all the frustrations

I’m studying something I love and find interesting

My living situation is pretty much ideal given the circumstances. Couldn’t hope for any more.

That DJ might be on a bit of happy juice but I just wonder what I’ll be like when everything finally falls into place.

Musing

2006 was the best year of my life in so many ways. 2007 was crap as was 2008. 2009 sucked a lot too and 2010 has just been an incredibly tough year as well. It might be tempting fate but 2011 could be a really good year and it’s due to a lot of hard work laid in the previous years. I feel like I’m owed one but then life isn’t about getting what you deserve.

At work I’m in a spot that gives me a lot more autonomy and the opportunity to make an impression whether good or bad over the coming while. I also have a few plans with my Masters that could raise my stock with high up people in my organisation in addition to accomplishing the goal of acutally completing a substantial piece of research in my own right. In the best case scenario the dissertation gets a slight reworking and published in a journal or two. That would be super awesome.

With regard to soccer there’s the playing side and the admin side. I don’t know about the playing side of things. Outside of my control. No matter what I do it doesn’t seem to get me into contention. Keep at it. Things might yet turn around. On the admin side things will turn around. Just a matter of when. Pretty sure I want to take it over. Run it properly for a while. I thrive on that kind of thing.

God stuff – I honestly don’t know. I often thought that a failure to act would never exacerbate an underlying issues but sometimes they’re connected so the failure to act is the critical issue in a lot of ways. Flailing around trying to find a place in some sort of faith community isn’t a good way to be. Of course if you’re doubting the existence of a god you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be I suppose. It’s crazy when I think about it in a lot of ways. Merits a post in its own right to sort it all out in my own head.

Personally I definitely need a long holiday and break away from things. Be nice to find a girl in 2011 but between the spiritual stuff and the damage from previous relationships that seems to surface the more I try to move past it I’m not really sure how that’s going to work out.

I’d really like to get better at the photography thing in the next 12 months. Would also like to improve my Irish and German. Get properly fit. I finally figured out where I can do chin ups. Off the washing line pole. Close to home and convenient and not likely to break on me. It’s a point I’ve touched on in the past but I’m struck by how much you can become like the people you surround yourself with. Ideally what I need is one or two more fitness inclined, politically interested guys my own age who like to debate intellectual questions and have a laugh every now and then.

We’ll see


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