Can’t live with…

2009 was an interesting year for a lot of reasons and a terrible year for a lot more but one thing it showed me was more of the opposite sex and relationships there in than I had bargained for. That stuff will feature at a later date but it was more the events of my brother’s 21st that made me realise how far things had developed since.

I had no confidence in my self-image for a lot of my life. In fact it’s only in the past 18 months that I’ve really thrown that off. I remember my brother coming home and telling me that he had to argue with someone about how I wasn’t in fact gay. At the time I was involved with a dance club. I remember asking a close (gay) friend of mine about it at the time. There’s no way I register on the gaydar but then it’s only the solitary demograph in the village that have those. He said to look at it this way: “You’re good looking. You dress well. You’re in charge of a dance club – and you don’t have a girlfriend.” I saw his point.

I believe who a person is matters far more than what they look like. In my own experience I have found that people related to me differently at different stages of life. I feel that in terms of my mind and personality I am fundamentally the same person although a bit wiser and more mature. However when I was younger I was a teenager with all the problems and pitfalls that brings. I also was not what I am now in terms of appearance. That is an average looking guy in alright shape with some really nice hair. We seem to think beautiful people are better at whatever it is they’re doing. We also think tall people are better at whatever it is they’re doing. It’s not that they are. Our perception is our own deception.

When I went out with my brother to celebrate his birthday one of the comments was that the three brothers who were there looked very alike. That’s what happens when you’re related of course but I digress. Over time I’ve become better at reading when a girl is interested in me. That’s not to say I’m any good at it. Guys tend not to get the subtle signals women send, nor the obvious signals nor the ten feet large neon flashing signs either. I’ve just become more attuned to how a girl interacts with me and what that can, at times, betray. There were a couple of things in my favour so to speak going in to that night: Firstly, there was the previous stamp of approval factor. I was the birthday boy’s brother. This meant I had overcome the first hurdle. They could safely assume I wasn’t a psycho stalker. This was also confirmed later in the night when one circle of my brother’s friends discovered that I had been in that circle in college. They ignored me before this revelation but seemed to adore me afterwards. Not sure how much alcohol was drunk in between as a caveat. Secondly, these girls were younger than me by anything from two to four years. This appeals on an evolutionary level because you’re seen as more able to provide and a more secure mate prospect as an older male. Thirdly, they seemed to like the look of me. I knew this from a previous episode when I had given my brother a lift home. This particular girl’s comment upon seeing me was: “You didn’t tell me he was hot. I look like s***!”

Then there were the little things over the course of the night that just make a guy feel good. Talking about politics with a beautiful girl. That girl taking my arm as we walked to the club. The very same girl asking me if she had my fragrance right and telling me she loved it when I told her that she’d gotten it in one. The little pang of disappointment when I enquired as to her status with my brother to be told that she was definitely taken and had been for a few years. Dancing with different girls on the dance floor. Watching my old dance club friends do their thing on the floor and watch the new crop do theirs. Meeting an old college friend in the club. Being smothered with hugs and little kisses on the forehead and cheeks because she was so happy to see me. Taking her out for a dance and learning that she’s probably gotten much, much better than me since I last met her. Taking a moment to enjoy the fact that I’m dancing the way I love to with a very good looking woman with no fear of it being misread by her.

I know that in 2009 I haven’t been in a good place with my faith. I know that because last night if that girl had been available I may have sought to explore possibilities. I waited for a girl. Relationships can end in many ways. It didn’t end well. Sometimes you wonder if you should wait at all


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