This is cathartic more than anything so it doesn’t flow very well. Will post a similar effort from a couple of years back that reads much easier in the next couple of days
You’re supposed to be out there. The woman who I will call my wife. At times I think it’d have been better if you’d met me a couple of years ago. I was stronger in my faith then.
I wonder what you’ll see when you look at me. There was a time I could have stood before you and honestly said there had been none before you. And then there was a time I could have looked you straight in the eye and said that if you did more than kiss me you were into hitherto unexplored territory. And then last year happened. And what an absolute mess that was. I suppose understanding how it happens is part of it but to explain would give the impression I was seeking to absolve responsibility. That’s something that’s not in my genetic code. At this point in time I don’t know what your history is. It won’t matter to me what your past is once we create our future together. This may seem utterly redundant to you in time but it is part of the journey I am on. I’m damned if I know where it leads.
I seem to attract attention. Girls have wanted me and that’s just the ones that had the courage to say it to me. Boyfriends have moved in to protect their girlfriends because I was a perceived threat. I’ve even made a guy’s boyfriend jealous of me and a girlfriend jealous of my relationship with her boyfriend. All I need now is to make one half of a lesbian couple jealous and I’ve completed the set which means I can send away for a prize, right?
It seems to happen. Take a nice guy in a teenage body and he gets ignored. Take a nice guy and put him in a decent looking man’s body and he gets attention. I seem to appeal to a wide cross section of ages. I have a list of unrequiteds that you wouldn’t believe. Some of them developed because of blissful ignorance on my part; some of them because of sheer stupidity on my part and others because a girl thought she knew her own heart. Why do I tell you this?
Because that’s the one area I see myself screwing up in. When you feel very alone you immediately respond to anyone who shows affection- or maybe that’s just a me thing. I’m not sure if this will be an issue if I’m with you. In fact the very knowledge that you’re there, if my instinct is any indication, will be enough to ward off these problems but I’m not into duplicity or deception. I want you to know what you’re getting into. You’re a woman. You deserve the best in life and most of all you deserve it from me.
I’ll start with what was formerly the sine qua non of any romantic relationship. A Christian faith. Essentially historic and orthodox. It didn’t really matter in what setting it was practiced but it had to be real. If I were to slogan it I’d say I wanted a girl who was so engaged in the pursuit of God that I had to chase Him in order to catch her. Funny how things change over time. I don’t know where I am in that right now.
While it’s true, for the majority of people, that you become the people you hang out with, you can’t go out with someone in the hope of becoming more like them. It’s not the basis for any type of real relationship. I am an individual with things I like to do. I expect any woman I fall for will be the same. If we share common interests that’s great. If not it can be great too as having separate circles where you do your own thing means you don’t wreck each other’s heads all the time.
Right now life is relatively uncomplicated and I’m very much focused on things I want to do. When you enter the picture it changes. Completely and utterly. In ways I can’t even comprehend right now. It’s not about fitting you into my life. It’s about discussing what we want our life to be. My goal in life will be to make you happy. And that’s of your own choosing. Whether that’s raising children or pursuing your own career in whatever field or taking over the world with me. Being honest, I see nothing but benefits if you earn more money than me. I intend to earn quite a bit so you’ll have to keep up mind ;-)
It’ll be a bonus if you like soccer as that’s something we’ll have in common but it’s not a deal beaker. I like to play it. Apparently it makes my legs look good but I’m in it more for the chasing the spherical object around the grass aspect. I aim to keep myself in good shape. Number one because it’s healthy and number two because I want to look my best for you. I’m not a muscle bound meat head or anything but my goal is to have you wake up in the morning, roll over and think I’ve got a fine hunk of a man.
I like to read. A lot. My bookcase strains as it is and there isn’t that much more space under the bed. By the time you read this I’ll hopefully have learnt off some more poems. I can’t wait to write you some poems. I’m a perfectionist. I’ll be very hard on myself. They will be your poems though. I’ll figure out if you prefer sonnets or free verse. If literary techniques are something you notice or not. I’ll craft them for you.
I would like to take you dancing under the moonlight. I love to dance. The old ballroom styles. Waltzing under the moonlight in the forest or on the beach would fill my heart with joy. A slow tango on a crowded dance floor, your head to my chest listening to my heartbeat as our legs intertwine with the steady pace of the music filling in the air even as our pulses speed up becoming one in that moment. There’s no need to worry if you can’t dance. I’ll show you.
At 25 and a half I’m still a virgin. I’ve plenty of time to make up for it and believe me I shall. Whether it’s tying you to the bed and just gazing at your lithe, beautiful form. Your eyes will say take me now but I will wait and marvel at the beauty that is you. Slowly but surely I will start and you will know what real lovemaking is. Or the seduction that starts when you walk out the door for work. When your phone beeps and your cheeks blush from the text. That day I’ll leave early from work and get our little home ready for you. Flowers and wine. Might be conventional but give me time and I’ll figure out new and interesting ways to surprise you. Other days it won’t be about the hot, red raw passion. It’ll be about me running the bath for you and putting on your favourite chill out music while cooking you dinner and cleaning the house. I’m always good for a cuddle so if you just want to be held that’s good with me.
Finally there’s the things that I’ll do but I don’t know yet. Maybe it’ll be just sitting quietly in the room with me for hours. Maybe it’ll be the times I look at you and smile. Maybe it’ll be the way my mind works. Maybe it won’t be anything that I do. It’ll just be the way I am: “That’s my man”.
I want you to understand that I’m not perfect. I’m just a man with all the flaws and failings that go along with being a man; the ones I’m aware of and the ones I’m yet to discover. I may not be the perfect man
I’ll be your man.