Sometimes..

The biggest triumph is getting out of bed

The room spins and I open one eye to stare at the bedroom wall. Three of the walls are white but the window wall is blue. Blue is my favourite colour. It’s the colour of my eyes. It’s meant to be a soothing colour. It’s a colour that is meant to evoke feelings of trust too. If you’re looking to woo a girl you should wear blue. If you’re looking to get a job you should wear blue. But if you’re feeling very blue perhaps blue is not the colour for you.

It’s worse this pain is getting not better. This is completely ruining my plans for the year. For the month of March I was meant to be working away and preparing for my Masters exams. The following two months would see me prepare for other exams that would give me bonuses on promotion competitions. Any hopes of promotion I have at work are probably gone. You have to be fit and able to do the job. Ironically if I was at a higher level I would be able to work from home and work around these headaches but because I have to be physically at my desk to do the job I can’t do the job. That’s a balls to say the least.

There is some information on the condition I’ve got. Basically it’s a mild to moderate headache all day, every day that lasts for weeks on end. It’s a condition that first appeared over six years ago. I get the pain and sometimes dizziness and nausea as well. I fall down at times as well. It’s nice to look at the sky and see the clouds passing by but with me it’s normally just the ceiling. There isn’t any Sun to warm your face when I lie on the ground.

I fell down yesterday. It was in the kitchen. I’d never looked at the underside of the kitchen worktop for so long before. Our kitchen has an autumn colour scheme which a lot of deep browns and occasional orange with pine cupboards. It’s quite a small room and the worktop sections most of the room off leaving the chef to their own devices. The worktop though isn’t solid timber. It’s MDF with a veneer.

I’d went in to knock something off the to do list. There’s a whiteboard in there. Crossing stuff off the list gives me the illusion of progress. The pain was bad and all of a sudden got worse. It went black momentarily and I fell backwards. “Bollox anyway!” were the words that flashed through my head as I hit the ground. I shifted slightly on the floor and relaxed. My eyes opened and I found myself looking at the impersonal edifice above me. There’s no veneer on the underside of the worktop. No-one is really going to see that so why bother putting one there? I’d forgotten that the worktop wasn’t solid; that it was in fact veneered MDF. The illusory veneer. Have I kept that on for too long? Am I fooling myself? Am I reconstituted dust or am I solid oak inside? A deep sigh emanates from my chest. I try to get up but it’s too soon so I allow myself to relax and notice the details from under the worktop. It’s not even that nice a veneer. Flecked hues of brown on a beige background that is meant to look like some type of stone. It’s a solid construction but why does something the colour of sand look like stone?

I’d washed the floors last week and swept them this morning. At least my back wouldn’t be full of dirt. Adults don’t see under the worktop most of the time. It’s children that do but they grow up and become independent. I wonder how long I can remain independent. I sometimes wish that I could be like a child again and forget about the cares of the world. But I remind myself that would be some type of surrender.

I’d played soccer at the weekend. I can’t describe the relationship I have with playing soccer. I can forget everything else when I’m playing ball. I can forget the stresses and strains and just laugh to myself. At the weekend the headaches weren’t going to let me away with it. The pain was intense and I felt like I was burning up. There were black spots in front of my eyes but I kept going and they passed. I even managed to nutmeg one of their best players. The game ended in a defeat for my team as it has far too often of late. We’d lost but I’d kept fighting despite it all.

Today is another fight. I type this blog post in my bed and wonder how bad it’ll be when I seek to stand up. It was bad enough trying to sit up in bed today. Will the dizziness hit? Will the pain increase? Who knows? I’m just going to try to enjoy the triumph of having gotten up this morning.

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2 Responses to “Sometimes..”


  1. 1 Karita Monday, 29 March 2010 at 15:32

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Can’t think of anything remotely helpful to say. Thinking of you and praying. *Hugs*


  1. 1 This is your life… « Should Know Better By Now Trackback on Monday, 26 April 2010 at 23:34

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