Constant pain in your head. Collapsing when walking around the house. Dizziness. Can’t get to sleep because of the pain at night. Go on the new medication and sleep for 16 hours. Wasted day. Wasted life.
Put the dirty plates in the dishwasher. Wipe down the work tops. Put away the debris from the morning run around. See the plates my brother left around the place. Wonder why he always does that and wonder why I always pick up after him. Wonder why it’s so important to me that the place is neat and tidy. Wonder what it says about my neuroses.
Part of it is small victories. Sometimes the only victory is that you got out of bed this morning. Sometimes you get straight out of bed. Other times you lie on the floor for a time wondering when the pain will stop.
You play soccer. You know that if you’re able to run around chasing a ball you should be able to sit at a desk but it’s not that simple. The two to three hours it costs in pain afterwards; the light headedness during; and the fact you play anything from 30% – 50% below your normal level should point to something. You know that if you stop playing soccer that’s the day you become suicidal.
You have your to do lists. You don’t get through them. It’s annoying to have to lie down. Lying down relieves the pain somewhat but only makes you feel worthless because the pain becomes a manageable level which makes you feel like you should be able to sit up, stand up and be productive.
You feel like losing it. You’ve lost it once already in eight weeks which isn’t that bad really. Other people would probably have lost it more. You’ve had this thing over six years now. It shouldn’t be that big a deal you feel. You feel you should have learnt how to manage it by now. The whole point of debilitating conditions though is that they are debilitating even when you learn how to manage them.