This is your life…

Constant pain in your head. Collapsing when walking around the house. Dizziness. Can’t get to sleep because of the pain at night. Go on the new medication and sleep for 16 hours. Wasted day. Wasted life.

Put the dirty plates in the dishwasher. Wipe down the work tops. Put away the debris from the morning run around. See the plates my brother left around the place. Wonder why he always does that and wonder why I always pick up after him. Wonder why it’s so important to me that the place is neat and tidy. Wonder what it says about my neuroses.

Part of it is small victories. Sometimes the only victory is that you got out of bed this morning. Sometimes you get straight out of bed. Other times you lie on the floor for a time wondering when the pain will stop.

You play soccer. You know that if you’re able to run around chasing a ball you should be able to sit at a desk but it’s not that simple. The two to three hours it costs in pain afterwards; the light headedness during; and the fact you play anything from 30% – 50% below your normal level should point to something. You know that if you stop playing soccer that’s the day you become suicidal.

You have your to do lists. You don’t get through them. It’s annoying to have to lie down. Lying down relieves the pain somewhat but only makes you feel worthless because the pain becomes a manageable level which makes you feel like you should be able to sit up, stand up and be productive.

You feel like losing it. You’ve lost it once already in eight weeks which isn’t that bad really. Other people would probably have lost it more. You’ve had this thing over six years now. It shouldn’t be that big a deal you feel. You feel you should have learnt how to manage it by now. The whole point of debilitating conditions though is that they are debilitating even when you learn how to manage them.

Wasted day.

Wasted life.

Wasted Day.


4 Responses to “This is your life…”

  1. 1 lyncampbell Tuesday, 27 April 2010 at 01:22

    *hugs* the frustration and despair you feel is very real, and well-founded. But you are incorrect in you assertion that you live a wasted life.

    At times like these, it’s important to remember that we are each challenged to find the value in our own life, regardless of the circumstances that frustrate that confound us. You’ve been able to hold down a job in the past, and I’m confident that you will again. In the interim, perhaps it’s an opportunity to ponder on life’s big questions, to discover who are, to rekindle your connection with God and to discover the benefits of prayer and meditation (I find meditation to be incredibly beneficial in the treatment of migraines, so it may be of some benefit in your case – it’s certainly worth a try). Time spent in contemplation or recuperation is never wasted.

    Personally, I’ve found your advice and support to be incredibly valuable, and I enjoy our banter, and your friendship, very much.

    Know this: you are loving, and you are loved.

  2. 2 Brian Tuesday, 27 April 2010 at 03:43

    Very moving. I don’t know you that well, but I do hope you know nothing is wasted. Ever. Just frustrating sometimes. Prayers.

  3. 3 Karita Tuesday, 27 April 2010 at 14:22

    I feel like this at times, when depression has me in its grip and I can do nothing – wasted, all because my brain won’t let me function. Not saying you are depressed, also not saying depression is always as debilitating as your headaches are, just noticing some parallels that allow me to empathise with you. In my experience, there is nothing I can do about those wasted days, just accept that that is how it is sometimes. Fretting about it, berating myself, berating God, doesn’t help. Asking why doesn’t help. Not that I don’t do any of these things, I do, frequently. But I have to accept that I have a debilitating condition and it might never go away. I have to stop fighting and just accept it, much as that goes against the grain. Again, not suggesting that you are doing any of these helpful/unhelpful things. Just a thought process I am going through.

    I wonder if, once I have miraculously accepted said condition, I will miraculously recover from it? Would be nice, but I doubt it.

    Er… I’d love to have a nice rounding-off conclusion but I got nothin’, brain has slipped into “essential functions only” mode. Just empathise with you. You’re in my prayers.


  4. 4 shouldknowbetterbynow Wednesday, 28 April 2010 at 01:17

    The way you phrased your first paragraph immediately engaged the rational side of my brain: ‘She’s right you know’ :-)

    I’m glad to know I’ve managed to impact your life in some small way. And yes, I need to try the meditation/contemplative thing. Making time for it is the first step

    Hopefully I’ll realise that some day. Thanks for the prayers

    Depression is undoubtedly part of it at times. If not clinical depression definitely a melancholia that affects my mood. Acceptance is always the first step, no? :-)

    * hugs *

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