They amuse me

so they might amuse you. Some of my favourites from other people on Twitter:

Shirley Bassey: Electric Proms on BBC4. Doesn’t appear to be a single heterosexual in the audience. I’ve seen gay porn that was less gay

Told a loud girl in class I’d give everyone an A if she kept quiet for 5 min. Start time: 10:48. At 10:52, she screamed that she did it…

There’s only so much Spanish dubbed Spongebob a person can watch without getting the strong urge to murder

Home after buying a frying pan! Will throw it through a window later to keep the rock ‘n roll lifestyle goin

In Stats, I asked the class to give me average weights of men and women. Response: Men = 160. Women = 335. Girls are now very mad at boys.

We must redirect all FDI and Green economy R&D funds to find a way to convert irish barstool indignation to energy.

Student: “Sine of Jesus Fish…” Teacher: “Wait, what?” Student: “Sine of Jesus Fish!” Teacher: “That’s sine of alpha.”

His justifications for decriminalising file-sharing is moronic, my niece makes more sense and she says “tata” and shits herself

Teaching my 4-yr-old the “I’m not left handed either” swordfight scene from The Princess Bride is my greatest achievement as a father.

One by one the penguins are stealing my sanity

neighbour is singing.. he probably wouldnt if he realised he sounded like a twat. perhaps I should go tell him for the good of mankind

“Son, do you want to be a teacher like daddy when you grow up?” “Silly daddy. No. I want to live in space. With bears”

this speech needs a streaker..

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