a pain in my head
Last week wasn’t so bad.
In fact last week I thought they were almost completely gone
which is why I thought I could make it into work this week
but I couldn’t get to sleep for three hours on Sunday night
because of the pain
so when I woke up Monday morning
after less than four hours sleep
the drowsiness effect from the medication was in full swing
and the pain was bad too
so I stayed at home.
I got up later just before 12
and managed to have a productive day
and then I felt annoyed with myself
because of the things I had gotten done
that surely meant I could have went to work that day.
Later in the day the pain got very bad
so I had to lie down
and accept my human fallibility and weakness
and wonder what is wrong with me again
and why I can do A, B and C
but not X, Y and Z
and wonder what life holds for me
and how I manage a career when I can’t work in the office.
I also wonder how this would look to someone who thought I was faking it
and don’t want to contemplate the possibility that I’m labelled as a faker
and find some cold solace in the fact that my doctor
said a condition like mine was complex with physical and psychological factors
and that the best thing to do was stay active
and have a regular routine
that should mimic my normal routine as best it can.
and I remind myself that my boss told me
he didn’t want me in the office
in case I fell down the stairs
which is reasonable
but I’m going to get that in writing
just in case.
I remind myself the best way to treat loneliness and tendency to feel a bit down
is to socialise with groups of people
and that by giving into this
by staying at home on my own
not going out
not trying to stay fit
not trying to meet people for coffee on a regular basis
not involving myself in things
would probably have me dead before long.
That’s why I try to do all of those things
even if I do fall down around the house
even if it means I struggle to operate fully
even if I have to lie down at times
even with the pain
‘cos the alternative is worse.
I have a good life
even with the
mild to moderate pain
dizziness and nausea
There are things to be thankful for
Stability and security
Health (for the most part)
Food on the table.
I’ll make it to work in the morning