Posts Tagged 'Dark past'

The tricks you play

Ever think about the tricks you play on yourself? With me it’s a case of knowing the way my mind works and preempting the negative patterns I can get myself into and reinforcing the positive behaviours that move my life forward. Say with going on a junk food run. I let it run late and late. The later I let it run the greater the amount of shops that are closed until the only one that’s left is the 24 hour Tesco that’s about 15 minutes drive away. If I end up driving there it’s often a case of I get to sort things out in my head on the way there. It’s not to say that I don’t end up getting a tub of ice-cream and a rake of sweets but it’s better to avoid doing that though whatever methods I can.

The main trick I play on myself is to keep myself super busy so I don’t have to deal with a whole pile of crap that’s going on. Keep yourself running around so much that you don’t have time to think. It means you achieve loads but don’t necessarily deal with underlying issues. I recommend it in the short-term but not at the expense of dealing with the issues causing your strife.

I seem to have a habit of keeping a range of girls in the friend zone. I’m a heart breaker. Not necessarily by intent initially but more through ignorance. Over time I realised by simply being myself I was sending a whole range of signals that a lot of women are yearning for. It’s a rare man who doesn’t find himself intrigued by female attention and at the end of the day I’m a very ordinary guy. Throw in a bit of flirting and a bit of weaknesses and before you’ve known it you’ve mistreated one of the most precious commodities in the Universe. A woman’s heart.

Intentions can play a role in life but it’s actions that count. A guy might not have meant to pull the trigger but he still killed someone. A man may not have meant to hurt a woman but if she’s in tears does it matter? Is it his fault? There are of course three sides to any story: his side; her side and the truth. I’m not sure how much fault is on her side in any of my dalliances. I just know that I was involved and I feel responsible. Her part in the process doesn’t matter as such. I should have known better or acted with more discernment or discretion. I also should have known not to place myself in situations where I was vulnerable and in need of attention and affection with woman who were hoping for more from me.

The thing is I have never once lied to any of these women. I have always been honest. If I think they look good I tell them. If I like a picture I say so. If they’re venting about their day I let them know it doesn’t bother me because 95% of the time it doesn’t and the other 5% of the time I’ll tell them if I’ve had a crappy day anyway. Someone can be truthful and still deceive a person. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I generally have a good instinct about this type of thing as well. At a certain point I know the girl has fallen even if she won’t admit it or can’t see it herself. There’s a line that she crosses and with each girl it’s different.

I still skate far too close to that line and I’m no good at ice-skating either.* The hermit/monk option looks more appealing every day with respect to that. If I truly value women shouldn’t I steer clear enough until I’m certain I want her to feel more for me? Should I be a faux misogynist in the interim? But how do I switch off that yearning to simply interact and be appreciated as a man in my own right? There’s nothing wrong with feeling lonely or wanting to be loved and held. What we do with that desire is the question. I don’t think it’s something that fades or that you can keep on ignoring

* Like seriously no good at ice-skating. Been ice-skating once. The manager asked me if I was drunk because I fell over so much

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