Posts Tagged 'Headaches'

Wake up in the morning feeling

a pain in my head

Last week wasn’t so bad.

In fact last week I thought they were almost completely gone

which is why I thought I could make it into work this week

but I couldn’t get to sleep for three hours on Sunday night

because of the pain

so when I woke up Monday morning

after less than four hours sleep

the drowsiness effect from the medication was in full swing

and the pain was bad too

so I stayed at home.

I got up later just before 12

and managed to have a productive day

and then I felt annoyed with myself

because of the things I had gotten done

that surely meant I could have went to work that day.

Later in the day the pain got very bad

so I had to lie down

and accept my human fallibility and weakness

and wonder what is wrong with me again

and why I can do A, B and C

but not X, Y and Z

and wonder what life holds for me

and how I manage a career when I can’t work in the office.

I also wonder how this would look to someone who thought I was faking it

and don’t want to contemplate the possibility that I’m labelled as a faker

and find some cold solace in the fact that my doctor

said a condition like mine was complex with physical and psychological factors

and that the best thing to do was stay active

and have a regular routine

that should mimic my normal routine as best it can.

and I remind myself that my boss told me

he didn’t want me in the office

in case I fell down the stairs

which is reasonable

but I’m going to get that in writing

just in case.

I remind myself the best way to treat loneliness and tendency to feel a bit down

is to socialise with groups of people

and that by giving into this

by staying at home on my own

not going out

not trying to stay fit

not trying to meet people for coffee on a regular basis

not involving myself in things

would probably have me dead before long.

That’s why I try to do all of those things

even if I do fall down around the house

even if it means I struggle to operate fully

even if I have to lie down at times

even with the pain

‘cos the alternative is worse.

I have a good life

even with the

mild to moderate pain

all day

everyday

falling down

dizziness and nausea

There are things to be thankful for

Family

Friends

Stability and security

Health (for the most part)

Food on the table.

Hopefully tomorrow

I’ll make it to work in the morning

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This is your life…

Constant pain in your head. Collapsing when walking around the house. Dizziness. Can’t get to sleep because of the pain at night. Go on the new medication and sleep for 16 hours. Wasted day. Wasted life.

Put the dirty plates in the dishwasher. Wipe down the work tops. Put away the debris from the morning run around. See the plates my brother left around the place. Wonder why he always does that and wonder why I always pick up after him. Wonder why it’s so important to me that the place is neat and tidy. Wonder what it says about my neuroses.

Part of it is small victories. Sometimes the only victory is that you got out of bed this morning. Sometimes you get straight out of bed. Other times you lie on the floor for a time wondering when the pain will stop.

You play soccer. You know that if you’re able to run around chasing a ball you should be able to sit at a desk but it’s not that simple. The two to three hours it costs in pain afterwards; the light headedness during; and the fact you play anything from 30% – 50% below your normal level should point to something. You know that if you stop playing soccer that’s the day you become suicidal.

You have your to do lists. You don’t get through them. It’s annoying to have to lie down. Lying down relieves the pain somewhat but only makes you feel worthless because the pain becomes a manageable level which makes you feel like you should be able to sit up, stand up and be productive.

You feel like losing it. You’ve lost it once already in eight weeks which isn’t that bad really. Other people would probably have lost it more. You’ve had this thing over six years now. It shouldn’t be that big a deal you feel. You feel you should have learnt how to manage it by now. The whole point of debilitating conditions though is that they are debilitating even when you learn how to manage them.

Wasted day.

Wasted life.

Wasted Day.

Sometimes..

The biggest triumph is getting out of bed

The room spins and I open one eye to stare at the bedroom wall. Three of the walls are white but the window wall is blue. Blue is my favourite colour. It’s the colour of my eyes. It’s meant to be a soothing colour. It’s a colour that is meant to evoke feelings of trust too. If you’re looking to woo a girl you should wear blue. If you’re looking to get a job you should wear blue. But if you’re feeling very blue perhaps blue is not the colour for you.

It’s worse this pain is getting not better. This is completely ruining my plans for the year. For the month of March I was meant to be working away and preparing for my Masters exams. The following two months would see me prepare for other exams that would give me bonuses on promotion competitions. Any hopes of promotion I have at work are probably gone. You have to be fit and able to do the job. Ironically if I was at a higher level I would be able to work from home and work around these headaches but because I have to be physically at my desk to do the job I can’t do the job. That’s a balls to say the least.

There is some information on the condition I’ve got. Basically it’s a mild to moderate headache all day, every day that lasts for weeks on end. It’s a condition that first appeared over six years ago. I get the pain and sometimes dizziness and nausea as well. I fall down at times as well. It’s nice to look at the sky and see the clouds passing by but with me it’s normally just the ceiling. There isn’t any Sun to warm your face when I lie on the ground.

I fell down yesterday. It was in the kitchen. I’d never looked at the underside of the kitchen worktop for so long before. Our kitchen has an autumn colour scheme which a lot of deep browns and occasional orange with pine cupboards. It’s quite a small room and the worktop sections most of the room off leaving the chef to their own devices. The worktop though isn’t solid timber. It’s MDF with a veneer.

I’d went in to knock something off the to do list. There’s a whiteboard in there. Crossing stuff off the list gives me the illusion of progress. The pain was bad and all of a sudden got worse. It went black momentarily and I fell backwards. “Bollox anyway!” were the words that flashed through my head as I hit the ground. I shifted slightly on the floor and relaxed. My eyes opened and I found myself looking at the impersonal edifice above me. There’s no veneer on the underside of the worktop. No-one is really going to see that so why bother putting one there? I’d forgotten that the worktop wasn’t solid; that it was in fact veneered MDF. The illusory veneer. Have I kept that on for too long? Am I fooling myself? Am I reconstituted dust or am I solid oak inside? A deep sigh emanates from my chest. I try to get up but it’s too soon so I allow myself to relax and notice the details from under the worktop. It’s not even that nice a veneer. Flecked hues of brown on a beige background that is meant to look like some type of stone. It’s a solid construction but why does something the colour of sand look like stone?

I’d washed the floors last week and swept them this morning. At least my back wouldn’t be full of dirt. Adults don’t see under the worktop most of the time. It’s children that do but they grow up and become independent. I wonder how long I can remain independent. I sometimes wish that I could be like a child again and forget about the cares of the world. But I remind myself that would be some type of surrender.

I’d played soccer at the weekend. I can’t describe the relationship I have with playing soccer. I can forget everything else when I’m playing ball. I can forget the stresses and strains and just laugh to myself. At the weekend the headaches weren’t going to let me away with it. The pain was intense and I felt like I was burning up. There were black spots in front of my eyes but I kept going and they passed. I even managed to nutmeg one of their best players. The game ended in a defeat for my team as it has far too often of late. We’d lost but I’d kept fighting despite it all.

Today is another fight. I type this blog post in my bed and wonder how bad it’ll be when I seek to stand up. It was bad enough trying to sit up in bed today. Will the dizziness hit? Will the pain increase? Who knows? I’m just going to try to enjoy the triumph of having gotten up this morning.


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